Bill P. Godfrey et al


Tuesday, June 28, 2005

"a-tishoo, a-tishoo..."

"...we all fall down"

Well, according to the news it's the worst year for hayfever ever since records were kept. Which explains why every morning I feel hungover - despite having not consumed any alcoholic beverages or dabbled with recreational drugs the night before. Of course, the itchy eyes, constant sneezing and the "pollock-effect" resulting from the coughing fits that I often have in the morning should have also given this away.

I find it worrying that the medication I take for my hayfever is now 1/8th as strong as it used to me. [I've been taking medication since I was aged 11] - back then, the pills were twice as strong and I took them 4 times a day - with an option to take additional ones should I need it]. Now it's one pill a day, half the strength.

I wonder how much worse it could be if I didn't take it at all.

[I did notice that my personality would change drastically when I was on the stronger medication... hmm... I wonder if I've had any long term damage done... or maybe I was genetically pre-meditated to be a bit crazy!]

Monday, June 27, 2005

Who?

I don't recognise any of these people. Are they special?

The Spamtrawler once again cums into port...

...and what fresh bounty does she dribble onto dry land?

Received.: 2005-06-25 04:52:42
Sender...: igvyiehtwjba@k[snip]n.tn.ru
Subject..: do you have "small" problem? brad


Brad has a small problem. A very small problem. Like Gulliver before him, a night out drinking with the lads has lead to him being stuffed on board a ship heading for foreign lands. But when he sobered up he found himself captive, tied down and poked by the little sticks of little people. All because he offended the emporer of Lilliput the night before by telling him that "he didn't look as big as he did on TV".

Well, now Brad, and countless dozens like him need not worry anymore. Just dial 8-100-555-B-CLEAR and a team of BROBDINGNAG exterminators will be on your case. With their marvellous hoze suction device, and strange monkeys you'll be free of your bonds before you can say "anything that will take a fair while to say"

Received.: 2005-06-25 01:42:15
Sender...: lpelletier@c[snip]-it.co.uk
Subject..: Last longer in bed


So, you want to last longer in bed? Simply arrange to work between 1pm and 5pm and more of the morning can be spent dreaming of all those things you could be doing had you been earning money at work instead of sleeping.

Received.: 2005-06-24 18:17:34
Sender...: rectums@traumurlaub-s[snip]n.com
Subject..: The smartest way to save money, buy Viagra online.


Want to buy a new house? A dog? A new car? A his and hers matching tea cosy? Well, throw away your old bank acount! Cut up your credit cards! Don't sign that low rate loan agreement! Simply buy lots of Viagra, online. Guarenteed a 75% rise in your underperforming moneymakers. Wear a plastic mac. Offer void in Utah.

Received.: 2005-06-24 21:07:31
Sender...: fletcherkjw7@p[snip]r.net
Subject..: szb - make sex longer


Stuck on that report? Need to bulk it out a bit? Using semantical reasoning and throwing away those old "oversize fonts" we will show you how in the new book from Parotdime publishing "Make sex longer (and how to enlarge other commonly used words to pad out reports, timesheets and annual tax returns)"

Wow at the ease of using "the dot method" - watch as sex grows from 3 letters to 5, to 7 to 9... slap your head when we reveal the "ural relations" clause that adds additional words into the frey "I had lunchural relations with Bill" and many more wheezes that will get your tired 50 word essay looking like that 10,000 word dissertation that it should be...

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Animated (not so) short of the week. (Demented Cartoon Movie)

Half an hour of insanity from the author of last week's "Greatest Present Ever".
Be warned, it is half an hour long. Make sure you don't have a meeting to go to in five minutes.

Zeeky Boogy Doog!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

"Doctor, thy periphrastic circumlocutions are indeed divine!"

Stephen Fry may write for the next Doctor Who series.
(I'm actually looking forward to that.)

Can't beat this... ox.

If you've been enjoying Neil's writeups of spam emails, you may enjoy this site. "Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!"

My favourites...
Bert don't sleep yet
An Email From God!
hello, how can i not help you?
remember your teen years?
today is the day
its not even funny when you do that
On a lo-carb diet? Not anymore..
HOW TO MAKE MONEY WITH STOCKS
Some say it hurts, some like it
We called you 7 times
CRY FOR HELP
Can you realy put a price tag on your family
Who cares if it hurts
1-4 extra inches makes a massive difference
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
do i masturbate too much
I sure wish you weren't so silly
whole choir stood there
your document is silly!

Also, take a look at this collection of re-enactments.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Why shouldn't we give our woes chocolate eclairs?

... or another meaningless title spawned from a trawl through the mailCritical spam report

Received.: 2005-06-23 18:47:56
Sender...: Philippe@h[censored]n.com
Subject..: Don't Just Treat Your disease . Prevent It

Yes, I know. You're sitting at home or at work or in a cybercafe or making use of a wireless network and going "hmm. I really should go and buy that big jam tart for my lymphoma." [or maybe a twinkie - yum yum - indestructable sugar food Mmmm (Twinkie Project)] But no! Stop! Put your money back in your purse right now you foolish numero uno! Don't you see?

You should be spending your time stopping IT from spreading!

In fact, get an axe right now and hack your computer to bits! Go on! You know you want to. Then your calculator - your fridge freezer, your video recorder and DVD player, the games console and the Television it's under, the hi-fi, the scientific calculator, your washer and tumbledrier, the dishwasher, the radio, your car and of course, don't forget your "cuddly toy" !

No? You still want to get your Tonsilitis an all expenses paid trip to Bali and a Porche 911 ?

You great stinking ninny!

Oh, and yes, I do have 2 calculators... well.. actually, I have 3, but let's not be silly here...

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Bom a da bom, a dang a dang dang...

Last night, the moon (it says here) appeared larger than normal, thanks to the combination of the summer solstice and the moon being low on the horizon. It hadn't really got bigger or got closer, it just looked that way.

It's quite tricky to photograph the moon with a regular camera. It required around two or three seconds of exposure, which is tricky to do when just holding a camera in a shakey hand.

Instead, I held the camera against the window frame and managed to get a fairly decent shot.

Google, please compete with Paypal.

Once upon a time, a big search engine company called Google announced they were building some sort of payments system. On the news, shares in Ebay, owners of Paypal, went down in value. It later turned out that Google were not planning on competing with Paypal after all.

For me, that's a pity. I was hoping that Paypal could be given a swift kick up the arse to improve their customer service.

Ages ago, I tried out using Paypal for a few Ebay auctions. Paypal wanted to check that I was the genuine holder of the credit card. To do this, I had to read off a four digit number from my credit card statement.

Seemed simple enough. When my statement came though, there were a lot of numbers on the Paypal transaction including a group of four digits. I typed them in, but this was rejected. I typed them in again, this time being very careful. That was rejected too.

A month or two later, I had another payment on my card. There was another group of four digits. I tried it again, being very careful to type it correctly. That was it, I was informed that my credit card number would be barred from the Paypal systems.

At that point, the problem dawned on me. I was looking at a USA style phone number (xxx-xxx-xxxx) which includes a group of four digits.

Being an Englander, I wasn't used to this style of phone numbers. I contacted the Paypal customer service and explained the error, asking them to unblock my (only) credit card number. No response.

So please Google, compete with Paypal. You will be doing them a favour. They need that kick up the arse.

Another almost regular irregular animation of the week...

...but not Bill's one, obviously...

After the "8 bit D&D" non-Bill-animation-of-the-week animation last week, here is the animation series that part-inspired it.

8 Bit Theater part 1


8 Bit Theater part 2


8 Bit Theater part 3


8 Bit Theater part 4


Watch for the out-takes - follow the links to the original comic, dance gaily and laugh at the funny bits.

[To Bill]

Just a quick message to Bill

It seems to be working much better now - Did you poke it with a big stick or just whack it over the head with a can of WD40 ?

What is S4 perm and why you would want to cover your girl in it!

...or, a mockery-making [like a rockery making, but with mocks and no flowers] of something mildly amusing [Bob Monkhouse ? Again! Who would have thought it !] caught in the spam nets ...

Received.: 2005-06-18 18:46:04
Sender...: kirbyshaferse@[censored].co.uk
Subject..: how to cover your girl in s4perm


Intresting, I thought. Using plastic explosives to create a haircut which can be used to conceal a lady-friend or relation. Then I remembered, it's C4 not S4... So what is S4?

Using dictionary.com's acronym finder I had five possibilities.

  1. Seychelles 470
  2. Logistics/Embark Office (USMC)
  3. Stainless Sanitary Space System
  4. Supersonicsoundscapes (event promotions/record store)
  5. Supply Officer (Army)

hmm. Very interesting, but totally nonsensical. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of "perm" as a hairstyle [although it would work if you covered your girl with a supply office hairstyle... maybe... but doesn't the army follow the short back and sides M.O. ?]

Another search ensued...

  1. (n) A permanent.
  2. A city of west-central Russia on the Kama River in the foothills of the Ural Mountains. Founded in the early 18th century when a copper foundry was built there, it grew rapidly as an industrial center in the 19th century. Population: 1,091,056.
  3. (n) Any of several long-lasting hair styles usually achieved by chemical applications which straighten, curl, or wave the hair.
  4. (v) give a permanent wave to
  5. Permeance (unit of permeability of an object)
  6. Processless Electron Recording Medium


Now this was making little or no sense. So status quo ["I like it, I like it, I la, la, la, like it, la, la, la, like it - here we go-oh, rocking all over the world"] for me there then. So lets make sense of these sentences...

  1. how to cover your girl in Seychelles 470 permanent...
    ...which sounds like some strange cross between shampoo and quick drying cement.
  2. how to cover your girl in Logistics/Embark Office, city of west-central Russia on the Kama River in the foothills of the Ural Mountains...
    ...which makes no sense at all. Hmm.
  3. how to cover your girl inn to give a permanent wave to Stainless Sanitary Space System...
    "Oh no he's covering his girl inn..."
    "The Stainless Sanitary Space System has developed a permanent wave"
    "drat and double drat you fiendish girl-inn-coverer you!"
  4. how to cover your girl in Supersonicsoundscapes Permeance...
    ...which could cause problems when she holds your floppy disk!
  5. how to cover your girl in Supply Officer Processless Electron Recording Medium...
    ...that refers to the special film used to retain genetic information about the Army's supply officers in order to facilitate the emergency cloning - should they be caught with their pants down without a supply officer. Of course, much of this is surplus now and is being sold to fashion houses who are making nice dresses out of the material.


Fashionable dresses from Supply Officer gentics? Magnetic, faster than the speed of sound, capes ? Defense mechanism against all Stainless Sanitary Space Systems ? Nonsense ? More nonsense?

If only I hadn't deleted the message, I might know exactly what they intended me to think....

(the "Spam detection" system rates messages by a point system, and sends out a daily "I think these are junk mail" message with the sender and subject - and a nice link to click if it's in fact one of the many mailing lists I receive...)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Incitement

I hate religious people, and so should you.
(Okay, I don't really. I just wanted to say it while I still could.)

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday oh happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to me

[Also, happy Birthday to Prince William, a kid I was at school with but have long since forgotten the name of, and the dozens of others born on this, the longest day of the year (that extra 1/4 day per year that screws up the calendar is generated by this day, but I'm sure you knew that!)]

Monday, June 20, 2005

Bring me sunshine...

...in your smile, bring me laughter all the while. In this world where we live, there should be more happiness, so much joy you can bring - to each bright new brand tomorrow...

Mmm... Sunshine.
I have tanned feet, almost tanned arms, and my neck feels like it's burnt. How I've missed summer. ah.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Animated short of the week. (Apocalypse)

And I feel fine.
This "al" gets everywhere!

A pox on media players!

It should have been such a simple activity. A friend had put together a video file and wanted me to see it. I asked for an MPEG file, as that was a conservative format which I know I can play.

Somewhere along the line, the file was saved as an MPEG-2 file. I didn't even realise there was such a thing. Nonetheless, it wouldn't play on any of the media players I had, Winamp, Windows Media Player or Quicktime.

Last time I tried Real Player, I was appalled at the abject user hostility. Someone at Real Networks thought that the "Real One Message Center" was a good idea. That person needs shooting. Its a popup advert box that shows up and annoys you, even when you are not even playing anything. Try and configure it away, and the only option for you is beg for it to annoy you less.

Quicktime wasn't so bad. It did litter a load of icons about the place, but that was easily cleared up. Even so, when I start the player up, I am occasionly asked upgrading to the "Pro" version. The choices offered are "Upgrade", "Why Pro" and "Ask me later". My actual answer of "No. Go away. Stop asking." is curiously not listed.

The only reason I have Quicktime at all is because I bought a digital camera that saved MOV files. Winamp couldn't play them, so I had to install it. Even since, whenever I click on a MP3 link within the firefox browser, Quicktime wants to play it, but click on a downloaded MP3 file and winamp plays it.

Really, I don't want all these different media players. If someone could just produce a single player with a consistent user interface that can play all the popular formats out there, takes security and bug fixes seriously, doesn't hassle me at every turn, won't play about with my file type associations without asking and won't install any bundled software like browser toolbars or such rubbish.

I would even pay for it.

What was he protesting anyway?

As spotten in The World In My Eyes.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Now what am I going to at 7PM next Saturday?

The new Doctor Who series is over (to UK viewers anyway), but at least two more series and a christmas special to come in future.
Next week, BBC1 will be showing an Only Fools and Horses repeat. My cup runeth over.

In the meantime, here's an incredibly unscientific experiement.

Friday, June 17, 2005

So... what if you made babies with these people???

Just a quite well done top-bottom face maker. Quite fun!

Stereotypes

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Not Bill's animation of the week...

  ...but my irregular animational toe-dipping in the ocean of animational delights ...

As a currently inactive roleplaying fiend, I found this particularly amusing and strangely "true to life"...

8 bit D&D

Monday, June 13, 2005

Animated short of the week. (Liquidity!)

A liquidy trio for the week.

Okay, it was a tenuous link. But what's new.

Fun facts...
Rubber Duckie uses the German version of Sesame Street's Rubber Duckie song. Thing is, I can't find a lyric sheet that includes those words that sound like "Michael Jackson". Any German speakers want to translate please?

The guy with the "A" shirt is holding something, but what is it?

Exploding teeth scare me too.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

You... Crazy... Frog!!!!!

sick and tired of having a darn crazy frog going "bing bing bing"



If you're like me, you definately do. So go to Hate that frog and shoot his sorry [censored] as far as you can - picture shows my "best" score so far of 93ish.

Have fun!

Slipping Porn through the backdoor

Don't worry - this is just a comment on an interesting piece of porn email that slipped through [barely] our spam-checkers (they decided it was some sort of lunchmeat, but possibly pork-and-egg roll rather than spam) I should repeat, no animals were offended during the production of this blog entry, well, except for Brian the cockroach who I accidently crushed when I pushed my chair back...

I find it interesting how the software we have installed here determines "Spam" - I often have to go through the "Spam of the day" list and say "no, that's no spam... that's not spam... and that's not spam" to the numerous technology mailing lists to which I subscribe. Which is why I always find it interesting when something that is very obviously [to my human eyes] spam slips through. Here's a case in point, with a theory that follows.

Note that links have been removed, and words censored where appropriate. [or should that be "where inappropriate" ?]


Subject: dirty redhair having get one's leg over with girls, guys and vibrators.

How about your good self?

Alice is a shy girl who has never [censored] black johnny before.
Grammar, which can govern even Kings.

[URI REMOVED]

She came in and grabbed a hold of that black [censored] and sat her [censored] on top of it and rode it like a huge chocolate johnny!

White people really deal more with God and black people with Jesus.

That little white chick didn't want to stop, she was getting herself off over and over again! In the end she got some chocolate milk spewed on her pretty face!

There is no great future for any people whose faith has burned out.Never forget what you need to remember.


I find it interesting that this message sounds like it's coming from a dissociative disorder suffering author. One minute they're theorising on intellectual and religious questions, the next they're describing sordid sexual activity. Are they really quite bonkers? Or is this just a scheme to bypass spam checkers. While most likely the latter, I prefer to think that there's a pychopath out there who really wants to talk about things like "God and Jesus and racial interpretations of the bible" but maybe is also a frustrated erotic novel author who just can't get no satisfaction.

Maybe they just have a bad case of tourette's syndrome?

Okay, the scores on the doors. Based on all scoring schemes used by the spam checker, this would need to be a 3.5 or above to be classed as spam. It received a 3.2 . So very almost, and yet not quite. I do find it interesting that it scored points for "possible porn" spam, but missed out on "possible religious spam" - In fact, saying that, the amount of religious spam I've ever received [even pre-spamchecker days] was incredibly low - non existant I'd hasten to guess. Seeing as one of the "things" indicated by, particularly the bible but possibly others, is for us to go out and preach and convert others to our cause - how come we haven't been bombarded with hundreds of messages "convert to the one true God" ?

Hmm.
The word of God is not considered to be spam. It must be as said, and not altered to fit whatever point you want to make at a set time or you will be forced to sit in the "naughty corner" in heaven until it is deemed that you have really learnt your lesson... So no putting "this may be spam, click here to release" or other meaningful indicators on it. Are Spam checker writers God fearing? Would God use the internet?

I think that's firmly set the monkey loose in the cathouse.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Animated short of the week. (Numa numa)

(Some or all of the events depicted in this write-up may be false or even just made up.)

It all started so simply. A Romanian boy band, O Zone, made a cute little pop song called Dragostea Din Tei.

As with so many obscure records, someone had to make an animation, without understanding (or caring) what the lyrics actually mean.The animator didn't finish, in what would become a worrying trend. From that point on, people would lose interest in the second verse.

And then, infamy struck. A teenage lad filmed himself dancing and lip-syncing to the song.People loved it, and the papers all wanted to know whose shirts he wore. It was the "Star Wars Kid" all over again, but this time, he was loving it!

Rule 1. Anything infamous gets parodied.
Others drew inspiration from the song.
But it all got too much for some.
Fun facts...
If you sat theough all of those, you would have had the word "Numa" sung to you 126 times. It means "Don't want". Did you want?

The only animation to include the complete song is entitled with a statement that its incomplete.

It really wasn't worth counting them all.

9th October 2005 update: Sneaky Weasel link fixed. Removed link to original O-Zone video.

Crying at my christening

My religious upbringing was kinda odd. If the objective was raising a good Christian, it failed. All despite being christened and attending a "Church of England" primary school. Like most Englanders, I never attended church simply because it was a Sunday. Church services seemed rather dull. No-one took me and I usually had better things to do. (Like sitting down and staring into space.)

Whenever I hear about American Christians, I'm always amazed at the effort they put into church attendance. They dress up in nice clothes and they go every week! Are they nutty?

During my baptism as a baby, I cried and screamed. So loud, the vicar had to speak up to be heard. Perhaps I was making an early protest at being introduced into a religious organisation without being asked, or I was just a big baby. I recently asked my mother why they had me baptised in the first place. Turned out it was just done thing. Babies routinely just get baptised.

Still, getting your head wet for a few moments is a rather minor procedure, especially compared with getting various body parts hacked off as a matter of routine. My crying could have been a lot louder.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Cheese! (Mk II)

I had another try at going to Cheddar, my last attempt having failed badly. I left at around noon, equipped with a GPS, a pack of jaffa cakes and my camera.

An hour later, I arrived at a motorway service station, put all the gizmos away and set off. My usual habit when walking away from the car is to check my pockets that I have my wallet, keys and mobile phone.

Phone... phone... where's the phone? Turned out I had forgotten it.

40 minutes later (I took a less-scenic route back) I was back home and I had the phone. I had considered continuing, but I hate not having my phone. How did anyone cope in the days before mobile phones? What did they do if the car broke down in a country road?

Back on the road, with phone. I left just half an hour before I left on my previous attempt. I decided to risk it. Did I make it in time? Did I get my cheese? Find out in the next exciting installment... Right now.


Yay!

There was enough time for my usual walk to the top of the gorge.




At the top, my estimation of 10 seconds was slightly out.